Facing some truths

Today I went to the doctor's. Went in to check out the results to some tests I had. One was to see that my sugars are in more control. So I won't have to go up on my meds yipee! I also found out my b12 is low. So I'm going to try to bring it up by taking the vitimans. I'm hoping that will work because the next thing is the needle each month not a thing I want to do. Funny my mother just informed about 5 months ago she will have to have the B12 shot for the rest of her life.

That reminds me I have to call her and thank her again for that little medical problem she passed on to me once again. Between my parents they have given me just about all of their medical problem. But I still love them anyways!! Then I asked the doc to check me out cause I've been sick. And Lo And Behold a ear and throat infection. On antibiotics. Another thanks goes out to my daughter that ever so lovely loves to share her diseases! Once again the academy award goes to my beautiful brown eyed daughter Melanie for lending me almost all of her flu's each and every year!! I can see my daughter smiling and waving a huge thanks to all for this lovely award as she proudly floats across the stage! Knowing me I would be the one clapping the loudest! Crying my eyes out feeling proud! I am a truly sick woman I need more than meds to help me!! lol

Then I started to tell the doc about the stress that's going on in my life . I told him I really didn't want to go back on the meds that I was on in the past. Cause I was such a zombie and I hated myself more. So I told him the meds he was given me to slow down my brain so I can think straight seem to work well. They don't seem to control my life. I can function cause I don't take them everyday just when I really needed them. I would take one then in a bit I started to relax so much that even when I talk it was a bit of a slur. But when the feeling goes away I can break through all the angry that's been building up. But after I was finished telling him all about the stress and bullshit I've been trying to handle. He wrote the perscription to take these little orange pills three times a day now! Funny thing is if I take one I go into such a relaxed state that nothing seems to bother me. But I guess I really need that for now. I need to let things go a bit.


I realize tonight that I've been feeling guilty about my life for so long now. That the life I thought I would have by now hasn't turned out to the way I thought or planned. I had so many hopes and dreams. But now I realize it was all a sad dream. I have stopped dreaming once again. Having dreams seem to get me through many hard times. But right now I'm on idle. Not sure when the husband is leaving and going his own way, Not understanding all of this is the hardest part. Not knowing when, why, how is just killing me inside. I've made many mistakes in my life but I was wondering when I will stop paying for them. I look at all my mistakes and almost all of them have to do with loving someone way to much. I would like for once not to feel the gut wrenching ache I've been feeling all my life.

Well thank god I went to the doc with all that has been happening in my life I'm not sure if this is the dream, maybe I haven't woke up yet. But I know that I needed to confess that I need some help. I told myself awhile back that I wasn't going to go back on meds. That I'm weak if I do. But I think about what I've been going through and realize that I'm stronger than I ever was before. But I need a little help so I don't run and hid cause my mind and spirit are breaking fast.

I realized that I can't do this alone. I'm getting to angry. I can't function like I want to. I've been in such an emotional roller coaster for so long I don't know what it is to live normal. But thinking about it what the hell is normal? Anyways I'm really babbling enough. I've really talked in circles this time but it feels good to let it out. One day I will feel secure enough to tell my full story. That will be a real eye opening day!

Anywho don't avoid getting the help you need because of pride. The only one your hurting is yourself. Remember your not alone come on down to my place we can talk all the bullshit that flying around in our lives. Maybe we can figure out what the heck is a normal life!!
Cherlee