A simple little heart!

Tonight I was listen to a few songs but each one made me do a lot of thinking and tears started to fall. Each song brought on a memories that hurt. And things started to get me really down. All my life I never felt good enough and still don't. I never thought I'd be where I am today. I thought I would be in a better and happier place but I'm not. I guess you can say I really hate myself right now. But each song hurt in a different way. But I guess it was suppose to happen because something really great happened! Anyway here's some of the songs that got to me then you'll see the amazing thing that really made me realize that I'm not alone or unloved.


Hurt


This reminded me about my grandmother that passed away in the summer of my 19Th year. I never felt that she ever loved me until the last day I saw her. The last words I heard here say was " You know I always loved you. You may not think so but I always did. And I'm proud of you." She gave me a hug and I walk away and they drove off. Three weeks later she died at the age of 58. You see I'm the oldest on my mother side and my grandmother always treated me different she never made me feel wanted. My grandfather did but she never did. I always felt unloved. So this song made me really think about her and I started to missing her. The bold parts are what gets to me. It's most of the song.

Hurt by Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face You told me how proud you were, but I walked away If only I knew what I know today Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes There's nothing I wouldn't do To hear your voice again Sometimes I wanna call you But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do To have just one more chance To look into your eyes And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day I would tell you how much that I've missed you Since you've been away Ooh, it's dangerous It's so out of line To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Silent House by The Dixie Chicks

This song reminds me of my step grandmother who has been diagnose with Alzheimer.  This song talk
about it.   I miss the woman she use to be.  I see my grandfather miss her too and this breaks my heart.
She never made me feel unloved. She always made it point to include me.  She was a wonderful
and great woman. She still is but she slowly losing the woman I knew but I still love her that
won't change.

Then of course the good old sad songs about love.  They made me cry cause I'm always on my own.
I'm married but I am alone.  He's always gone on the road and when he's home he's into his music and
his needs.  He doesn't even hardly speak.  This has been going on for years.  So I guess you can say
I'm feeling sorry for myself and yes I am.  I was at the lowest of lows.  Then something amazing happen
you may not think so but it meant the world to me.

I let the dogs out for the last time tonight.  I called for my older dog that doesn't get tied up but off course he's exploring
the neighbourhood.  As I was calling him. My little black dog Cody that is tied up cause he runs away. Was running around being silly and he was making laugh so hard .  He looked so cute being silly so I said " Come on in Codybear, I'll get Newton later."

An he jump up on the deck and ran in the house I was closing the door I notice his leash and this is what I saw!


              

I just stood there for about a min with my mouth open totally amazed at what I saw. Then it hit me I'm not alone or unloved!! So I ran and got my digital camera and took this picture!
It's not a perfect heart it just like me uneven and unsure but still a heart that that full. This whole story sounds so corny but I had to write this. Little things mean so much and this means the world to me. It made me realize that it's ok to feel the way I was feeling and something or someone hear me. And that's what counts. I'm just so grateful that it happened. It also showed me that I'm going to be ok. I don't have to perfect to be in the huge world. And I should stop trying to be what others want me to be. Just be me and things will be ok.


Anyho this entry is something special to me and I'm feeling so lucky to be able to share it. Thanks for reading.

Send much love and hugs to all
Cherlee