The sad news about my Ex

OMG I feel so numb right now and not sure how to write this. The tears have been flowing since I heard the news. My Ex died of a heart attack late Saturday night. He was only 44 years old! My poor daughter is so devastated right now. She's almost 7 months pregnant now and I'm so worried about her. We aren't sure if she could go by plane to the funeral. And today being a holiday we can't seem to find any answers. But we will have to find out tomorrow I guess. Her best friend Tash really show how much of a Best friend she is. As soon as she found out she came rushing over with a lot of love & support for Mel and I. Also she had saved up all these air miles point to take a trip somewhere and she is giving them to Mel and Al so they can go so we don't have to worry about finding money to send her to Ontario for the funeral. Of course this made us cry even more. I just want to thank you Tash for being you and that I love my second daughter so much!

All of Melanie's friends have been so supportive. I'm going through so many emotions right now I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you've know for 23 years and that you loved at one time so much you thought your heart would split open and never close up again. He was the first man I let into my heart and soul. But I took that back years ago but I know I left a little behind because I ache inside knowing I won't hear his voice calling to either complain or say hi. Silly I know because he made me so mad most of the time. The last couple of years that we were together were the worse for us. But now all is just petty since he's gone.


He was the only man that I had a child with. He gave me the one best thing of himself without ever realizing it and it is Mel. I'm so thankful for that. Mel is his only child and I feel sad about that because she doesn't have a sibling to comfort her but she has me and her family to get her through.

I'm also so mad and I'm not sure if I have a right to be. But I feel he didn't have to do this right now. Sound so silly but I'm so fu@#$% mad at him putting Mel through this when she is going to have her son in a few months. To see her hurting and have to force to eat for the baby sake and see her go through the motion of loosing a parent is pure hell for her. I ache for her so bad but I have to let her get through this so she can heal. I'm so mad that he can do this. He always had a way of getting people upset before a big event. And this is his last and his best. I know I sound selfish right now but I don't know how to make it better for Mel. I wish I could make it all better like I did before when her father would cause a tide wave of hurt for her. I would hug her tell I love and go do something fun with her. Tell her that things will get better and your dad will realize what he did. I would make it all better but this one is the ultimate one that I don't know how to fix right now. I know give her the love and support I'm doing that. But to see your baby fall apart and know that she will never have the dad that she always dream of now because there isn't a second chance for that now. He's gone! Is to much to bear at the moment.


I know I have to let the emotion flow but I hate them. I've lost many love one so I've been through all these emotion time and time again. I'm used to them but to see your child go through it as hard as she is one of the worst thing you can see them go through. The worst part is I feel so helpless right now. I feel she deserves better than what she has been dealt in life and it's not FU@#$% fair!!!

The emotion that I've been through in the last day are all so surreal. Loss, Guilty, Anger, Numb, Shocked, Scared, Wonder, Love, Hurt can be so overpowering. But I know we will get through this one but I wish we didn't have to. She is only 20 right now I hope she can grow from this. I truly hope this makes her stronger. Even through the years when her dad would make me mad or her mad. I always let her know that he loved her more than she will ever know. That's one thing I was always sure of. That man didn't really know how to show love but in his own way his daughter was number one.


It's funny as you sit thinking about the last few months of some one's life there were so many sign's that he was leaving us but I didn't want to see them. The last great talk I had with him was about 3 1/2 weeks ago. He called Mel to talk and he was a in a great mood. He asked her if I was there and I usely tell her no this time I didn't. We had a great talk about old time, things that we did and how sorry he was for screwing up our relationship. That if he could do it all over again he would of done it differently and that he always loved me. I told him funny how life is because he was getting married in July and he said he never get married. I remember him saying I'm never getting married I'd die first. I mention this. And he said "Well married is the only thing I didn't try and you have. I know we were suppose to get married many time but it didn't happen. But I think it's time to grow up. I said " Your crazy" and we both laughed. Then he said that he will probably never see his grandchild. and I told him of course you will when the baby gets older Mel and Al had been talking about visiting he was really happy about that. Then in a very small voice and said " But Cher will I live that long!". I said of course you will you ass! Then we laughed and talked about other stuff for a bit more then he told me he loved me take care and I handed the phone over to Mel.

The last time I heard his voice was on the answering machine on Mother's Day. The first time in years he called me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. This is strange because he always called on or before my birthday but Mother's Day he didn't always call and I didn't expect him to. But this year he called and sound so happy! You know I'm truly thankful for that last phone call from him. He said goodbye in his own way. And he and I had mended some fence and I felt like I forgave him finally. When I received the last message from him I said in my head "Bruce you can go on with your life and be happy now." Then I forgot about it until I receive the call from my daughter yesterday at work telling me he was gone.

Wow is all I could end this with. I talk and I feel a bit better. I hope everyone is well and that the sun finally come out and brings a smile to all of your wonderful faces. Sending Much Love and Hugs To all of you! And want to let you all know you all mean the world to me! Thanks you
Cherlee

PS. This is to Bruce, Please watch over our daughter and grandson from up there! I know your with our first child please give him a hug , Granny and your Grandfather, Your sister, Vilho, Toby, Barry, Ralph, Johnny Cash one of your favorite singer. I bet your singing the song but change it a bit " I'm 44 and I don't mind dying!. With Johnny and I bet your the happiest you've ever been. I can imagine the hug smile you would have and your laughing that laugh that would get everyone laughing.I hope your having the time of your life with all the ones you love. The struggle is finally over and peace is your to find. Love you Cheryl and Mel