A Bag of mixed emotions

Today was a bag of mixed emotion. It was a dark rainy day here. But my mood in the morning was a bit annoyed because of Newton's barking every hour but otherwise in general I was in a good mood. My shoulder hurt like a biotch cause I slept really hard for 4 hours and I never moved. It felt great to sleep so well but the shoulder hurt like a old war wound! lmao I guess it was forwarning me about the war zone that was heading my way in a few hours.

Melanie and I got into it. A lot of angry words thrown back and forth either of us understand or hearing each other. Funny things is at points I feel at a lose for words around my daughter lately. She's growing up to fast. Yesterday she was a baby an in a few months she's going to be 20 years old. God I wish I could protect her like I use to when she fell and hurt herself. We'd go to the imaginary part store and trade in the hurt part for a brand new one and seal it up with kisses.

Now her hurts are all inside and I can't seem to reach her to get her to see she going down a winding path of despair. I look into her big beautiful brown eyes and see such a lost soul. Lately I haven't been really good at talking to her. She's in a mixed up state of mind that I don't understand. I can't seem to say or do the right thing for her. I love this child of mine with all my heart and soul. She's saved me from some of my own downward spirals. I just wish I could reach her in time. Before she to mixed up to come to me. I think one of the hardest jobs in this world is being a mother. I know myself and other want the best for our kids. But when the painful aches of growning up take over their body and souls. It's hard to protect them from that awful black pit of despair that makes them make so many dreadful mistakes. That they may regret for the rest of their lives.

I know my daughter has been through a lot in her life but I was there with her. I may not know all her pain. I may not understand it all. I just wish when she about to do something that she may regret later. That she's really think about it twice or even three times to see if it's worth all the heartache it may bring to her in the future.

This is were my bag of mixed emotion comes in. So today I sorta fell apart at the seams. And just thought about my daughter from birth up until now. I felt , sadness, a lot of love, tears, happiness, confusion, regret of things I said, feeling lost. I'm not ashamed to say as I was going through the motion of it all the tears flowed like a broken dam that's been ready to break for years. It's sometime a struggle but I sat and asked myself was it and is it still worth all this heartache! I say hell yes I love her soooo much. I am proud of her for so many things! I guess I'm saying even with all the glitches of life that was sent her way to me I wouldn't change her for the world. But I sure will try to steer her in the right direction while she fighting me all the way. I may not be the perfect mom but I know one thing I love my daughter with all I have and I will fight to the end to help her get where she wants to go. Cause she deserve to be happy!

I was heading to curves while I went through all of this. I said I wasn't going in cause I had such a red teared stain face. My husband let me get it all out and told me to go it would do me some good. You know for once in my life I listen and I really felt great. I realize that I have to take care of me too. Cause if I don't take care of me who will be there for Melanie when she really need help or a ear to listen.

All I can say that being a parent isn't the easiest job but it the best one with all the rewards with a bag of mix emotions. Some bad some good. But worth it!
Cherlee