A little something to think about!

I couldn't sleep as I always so I did some catching up on my blog reading, But the first one I read was Jann Arden's. She's a Canadian singer I love her music and the way she writes. She talks from the soul! She said something that made me really think! The brain started to churn away and almost exploded. Ewwwww that would of been gross if it exploded! lol This is from her blog here goes:

Life is happening without any help from me.
It is glorious and mysterious and wondrous.
Life is what we want to have, but are afraid to have.
We think about dying so much, that "life", is just left on some shelf somewhere in Medicine Hat.

You are going to die.
But how, my dearest, are you going to live?



That really made me think I've wasted so much of my life worrying about dying. It's one the of subject that triggers my disorder if I think about it too much. The funny thing is Death didn't bother me until 32 years of age. So for 8 terrible years death has taken over my thoughts each day. The fear of it can become so overwhelming that it puts me in the worst anxiety attack from hell. It's so overpowering it can make my life a living hell. I remember what put me in this mode.

My daughter was 11 years old and we just moved out here and she kept saying to me " Mommy please don't die I only have you. I think about you dying and it makes me cry. Mommy promise me you won't die." I kept reassuring her I was going to die. But it just didn't seem to ease her mind. I had to keep telling her I was going to be there for her always.

But with my Anxiety disorder I started to think I'm getting older blah blah blah and then that was all I could think of. It' became an everyday thing for me. The panic attacks took over and then I became so depressed thinking who was going to bring my little girl up if I wasn't there? Who will protect her from the world? On and on it went. It became so overpowering it really scared me to death! lol

But I finally overcame that realizing she would be ok. I stopped living for the last 8 years because I never felt my life was mine. So many things were so unhappy and I dwelled in them. I've had so many bad things happen to me in the last 10 years I think it has taken a toll on me.

But I also have been afraid of living my life because I didn't want the bad to destroy my fun. But you know what I can't remember to many good times because I was so afraid of having it. For years I kept saying to my hubby let's do this and do that for a little fun and he'd always so NO! I let life and my hubby take control of my life I made sure my daughter got to have fun and I would stand back and watch envying her. But I should of join in. I have in the last 2 years realize that I can have fun anywhere and any place without worry. The bad times will come even when I totally behave so let it all go and enjoy.

I still have a hard time letting go. But I try as much as I can. I hoping someday soon I really find some fun and happiness. So what Jann wrote really made me think.

Anyho I have some living to do. You want someone to have fun with give me a call. I will be there in minute. Ready for a new adventure to put up here. Or maybe not *tehe*

Send much love and hugs your way
Cherlee